--This weekend I heard someone say "Are you living or dying?"
Sort of the wake up call, for what my Mom used to say to me "You can be cranky or happy today...it's all up to you."
Don't know why, but I think about death a lot. Everyday I think.
I drive by the cemetery where my friend is buried on the way to work and think about her. How blessed I was to have even known her and learn from her. I lost 2 of my Aunts this year...I think of them a lot. I have lost pets that I think about. I think about how much I loved and enjoyed them.
. When I'm driving I think, dang what if I had a car crash today? Am I ready? Have I done everything I could do today? Sort of a mental bucket list. I know it's weird and I have talked to friends about death and they say that it's anxiety. But I'm not so sure about that. I just think I have come to term with death.
I read today what Valerie Harper said. "We are all terminal" some sooner than others. I have said I look forward to going to heaven, or I'm jealous from a friend that had past over. They are lucky, it's paradise! Who wouldn't want to go? I have dreams of my friends and family who have passed, I know they go somewhere amazing because when I see them they are beautiful and smiling.
As a kid I hated hospitals, as an adult I see them differently. I volunteered at one for a while...took the training and everything and rocked babies in NICU. I thought it would be fun rocking sweet babies, but it was much more than that. It was seeing tiny, tiny miracles. Some that made it, some that didn't and it woke me up. I thought I have been given a chance to see these babies and pray for them before they pass over. So I did. Little angels I thought, some would smile at me. It changed me.
So, if I sound creepy saying I'm not afraid to die or that I look forward to it. It's not really so creepy...It's a beautiful transition. While I'm here I want to do everything I can to help others and soak up every beautiful thing life has to offer. I stop and shut my eyes sometimes and just listen to outdoor sounds, sometimes I stop my car, pull over and watch birds splashing in mud puddles. I don't want to miss anything. So many little gifts I don't want to take for granted.
So when you ask me am I living or dying...I say both. I'm going to live each day like it's my last. Someone said "It's not that you only live once, You live everyday, and you die once. Just a different way of looking at life I guess.