Plastic Surgery Trends for Men!
Oh boy…Those are the only two words I have. ~Rowdy
COSMETIC PROCEDURES MEN ARE HAVING THAT ARE JUST PLAIN WRONG
So last week we learned of two rather disturbing new trends for men. One was the male push-up bra. Basically, guys wear this thing under their shirt to make their biceps, pecs, and shoulders appear much larger than they are without having to go anywhere near a gym. We also learned of beard and mustache implants. This is where guys would have hair taken from some other part of their body and transposed to the upper lip or chin. Depends on where the hair is taken from. But here are a few other procedures for men that should never happen.
Chest and Calf Implants: So this would be the full-priced version of the male push-up bra. Pec implants are accomplished by carving up your chest and shoving in the traditional pair of silicone bags. The end result creates the impression of rock-hard pectoral muscles sculpted from countless hours at the gym. The calf implants are accomplished in pretty much the same way. Although we hasten to point out that, should you be trapped in an emergency situation and your fellow survivors call on you to lift a boulder off of some trapped kindergarten teacher, you are only going to disappoint them all and embarrass yourself, and they will likely conspire to have the shortest straw find its way into your hand when it comes time to figure out who's going to get eaten.
Abdominal Etching: You long for glistening washboard abs, but those take extra time and energy. Fortunately, guys can bypass all that hard work and uncertainty and just schedule an appointment to have a set of abs etched into their stomach, like an ice cube tray pressed into a Jell-O mold. Abdominal etching, also known as a "suction six-pack," is the precise extraction of lines of fat around the abdomen. However, it isn't a procedure for overweight men, merely devastatingly insecure ones. For some reason, ab etching is generally not recommended for bodybuilders or athletes, presumably because those are two classes of people who traditionally depend on muscles to actually perform feats of strength.
Voice-Deepening Surgery: You do your best to sing along with Barry White albums, but it just ends up sounding like Barry has a pocket full of chorus mice. It's a serious problem, according to the Texas Voice Center, the leading center for the diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of voice disorders: "In our society, a deep voice can convey strength and authority whereas a weak voice may suggest a lack of self-confidence." The procedure is called fat injection thyroplasty, and it's meant for men with either weak, high-pitched voices that annoy everyone they speak to or withered raspy voices that nobody can hear. During the surgery, fat is injected into the patient's vocal cords, bulking them up to create a deeper-sounding voice. One thing: we're not sure how you will explain the sudden change to friends ("Dude, why are you doing that movie trailer voice?") or your confused mother when you call her for the first time.
Chest Hair Surgery: Hair transplants are normally performed by harvesting strands from the back or chest and implanting them in the scalp to combat male pattern baldness. But, if you are in the unlikely situation of preferring the scalp-to-chest hair distribution ratio of George Costanza to that of a Brad Pitt, you can have the opposite procedure done and remove hair from your scalp to cultivate a thick meadow of chest fur. A hair restoration clinic in Miami that boasts more than 9,000 such procedures. The only downside? Unlike normal chest hair, the implant hair behaves like head hair -- that is, it continues to grow.